My brother or sister has terminal cancer
When your brother or sister was diagnosed with cancer, life probably changed in a big way. The past months or years probably won’t have been easy for you. Maybe you’ve felt pushed to one side, or that you have to be strong for everyone.
So now that you know that your brother or sister won’t recover from their illness, where does that leave you? How do you start living with the fact that the cancer isn’t going away?
Has your sibling recently received a diagnosis?
My brother or sister has cancer
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My sibling has terminal cancer
Getting to grips with difficult feelings
Knowing that your brother or sister is going to die can feel unbearably hard. Feeling that you just can’t cope is normal, and that’s why lots of people end up in denial. It’s just our way of adjusting. The problem is, if you ignore it or try to shut it out then you might end up missing out on the support you need or having important conversations with your family.
Equally, it’s ok if you were kind of expecting it. Accepting that it’s happening isn’t the same as doing nothing. There’s lots you can do to help your sibling. Or you might feel a mixture of emotions. Feeling angry, numb, sick, scared, devastated, confused, jealous, frustrated, helpless, stressed or panicked is completely normal.
The thing is, waiting for a death to happen can be just as painful as when it actually does. People sometimes refer to this as ‘anticipatory grief’. Knowing that it has a name can help you understand the confusing things you feel. If you want to know more about anticipatory grief, you can read more at ‘What’s your grief?’.
The thing about guilt
Lots of siblings say they felt really guilty about all sorts of things:
- Having fun
- Getting on with happy events in your own life
- Something you did or didn’t do in the past
- Feeling envious
- Feeling that you can’t cope
- Feeling whatever you feel
- Wanting support for yourself
- That it’s happening to them and not you.
You probably already know that it’s not your fault but we’ll say it again: It Is Not Your Fault.
What would your brother or sister say? Would they be angry if you happened to enjoy yourself one evening? Would they hold a grudge for that fight you had? Would they take issue with you getting some help for yourself? It’s likely you already know the answer but why don’t you talk to them and find out.
It can also help to have someone trustworthy to talk to about everything and might be outside of your immediate family circle so they can focus on supporting you.
What do I say to my brother or sister?
Although the situation will change dynamics in your family, you don’t need to suddenly act differently around your sibling. They’ll probably appreciate a bit of normality. The best thing you can do is just be there and spend time together in a way that’s natural for you both. Letting them know you’re there gives them permission to talk with you about the serious stuff without putting any pressure on. There’s nothing that you need be – other than yourself.
Get yourself some help
With everything going on, the people around you like your parents might be distracted and unable to give you the time or space you need to open up. Or you might feel that you don’t want to burden them. But you need to talk to someone who gets how things are for you.
If there’s no one who can do that, or you want some professional support, you can speak to people at the following organisations:
For more information and support, you can find out more at CanTeen here.