How do I talk to my parents about my terminal cancer?

How will my parents be feeling? 

Since the moment you were diagnosed, your parents might have acted differently. If your relationship has changed since then, that’s totally normal. You could be closer than ever, or there could be tension between you. If you’ve had to move back home or give up some of your independence, it’s natural to feel a bit suffocated and frustrated by being back in their care.   

From their point of view, it’s the most natural thing to care for and look after you. They are probably feeling a huge range of emotions, like you are, but will no doubt be distraught that they can’t protect you. Most parents feel that this is their job, so your diagnosis is going against the ‘natural order’ of things.   

With all this going on, they might not always remember that you are a grown up with your own ideas and wishes, so it’s important that you try to make your voice heard and tell them what you need. You could explain that you appreciate their love and support, and go on to talk to them about what kind of help you need from them.   

How can I help them? 

Some people in your position struggle to open up because they already feel guilty for ‘burdening’ parents or carers with their emotional and physical needs. The thought of adding to their upset and stress by confiding in them could make you feel it’s easier to keep quiet and pretend you’re ok.   

If this is something you relate to, it’s really important to know that ‘staying strong’ for the people who love you will not make things better. Although it’s really hard to talk about emotional stuff, your parents will appreciate and value your honesty. Feeling like they are helping you will help them, and you’ll probably feel much better for sharing how you feel.   

What if it’s hard to talk to them? 

Maybe you’ve always found it difficult to talk to your parents – or you’ve tried but didn’t get the reaction you wanted.   

Some parents think they are protecting you by acting like everything’s ok. Other parents deal by staying hopeful and looking for the next step – they might not want to hear about your fears or talk about dying. Some parents might not want to talk about it because it conflicts with their religious beliefs or culture.   

Whatever their reasons, it’s vital that you have the opportunity to talk about your fears, wishes or questions. If this isn’t your parents or carers right now, you could turn to another trusted family member, or someone in the team of professionals looking after you.  

In time, they could help you to voice things to your parents if you don’t feel you can directly. You could also try writing them a letter so they can absorb it in their own time.