How a terminal diagnosis can affect your relationship

Why is it so hard to talk to each other?

When someone is seriously ill, the dynamics between you can change. The realisation that your joint future is going to be very different to how you thought it would be will have a big impact on both of you individually, and as a couple.

With the shock and overwhelming emotions you might both feel, it can be difficult to talk about anything. Addressing what’s happening and thinking about the future could be so painful that it feels easier not to say anything at all.

You and your partner might want to ‘protect’ each other by denying that anything bad is happening or avoiding it. You might just feel in total disbelief and unable to accept what’s going on. You might worry about burdening each other with your fears. Or that the other person can’t possibly understand how you feel.

How can we open up?

Keeping quiet and carrying on as usual can feel like the easiest option, but the best thing you can do for each other is to be as open and honest as you can.

Although you may have a deep desire to ‘fix’ it for each other, you don’t need to. Sometimes partners can find it difficult to accept there’s nothing they can do. It could cause them to feel inadequate and hopeless. Reassure them that simply being listened to can ease the pain and fear you might be feeling. Just ‘being there’ helps.

You might feel that you need to be strong for your partner but bottling up your fears will only make them grow. Knowing what’s going on and understanding how you feel can make it easier for them to help and support you.

You might also want to talk together about practical things. If you have your own family, it could be important to make plans for the future, or write a will, or you might want to talk with them about your wishes about your care.

What do we need to think about for the future?

When it comes to ‘stuff’ and money, it might be important to you that your partner inherits all or part of what you own. This is known as your ‘estate’. If this is the case, making a will is definitely something you should think about. And if you have children, making a will can include arrangements for their future.

Here’s the lowdown on your rights. If you live together but are not married or in a civil partnership, then your partner will not be legally entitled to anything if you die. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived together or even if you have children. You need a will to make sure that they are protected. If you are married but you don’t have a will, then your partner will inherit all or some of your estate.

Either way, it’s a good thing to think about. You can find information about making a will from Citizen’s Advice.

How can we carrying on as usual?

Don’t feel that you have to be different around each other. It’s ok for the usual highs and lows of your relationship to continue as normal. You might also want to make some time for doing special things together – like making that trip you’ve talked about or putting together a scrapbook or a box of memories and happy times.

There will be times when you find it hard to get on. There are bound to be stresses and strains. Treatment, an uncertain future, feeling like problems are hard to resolve because there is less time or simply feeling tired and unwell can all take their toll on a relationship – and just at a time when you need each other most.

Taking short breaks from each other may help to relieve any stress. Talking to others separately may also help. You might want to contact a counsellor or professional organisation for support – they might help you to talk through things together.

What if it’s affecting our sex life?

Sickness, tiredness or being stuck in hospital can make sex difficult from a physical point of view. It’s also normal to have a lower sex drive when you’re feeling crap. Mentally or emotionally it could be difficult because of anxiety, depression or the way you feel about your body and self-esteem. This might be something you’ve already been dealing with throughout your treatment.

Be careful that a lack of communication doesn’t bring up unnecessary barriers from being intimate with each other – your partner could be afraid of causing you pain, or assume it’s not something you feel up to at the moment.

Whatever the issues are, try to be as honest as possible. You may be able to find a way to cope with the situation or you might decide to make more time for sex. Having a sexual relationship can be an important way to bring some pleasure and distraction into your lives, as well as feeling closer to each other.

You may decide to show each other you care in different ways, such as giving each other a massage. Or together you might decide that right now you and your body have other needs and priorities – and that’s ok too. You can still find intimacy through other things you enjoy, like cuddling on the sofa and watching a film.

Where do we go from here?

This is bound to be an emotionally charged time for you both but that doesn’t mean that all the joy and fun in your relationship stops. Lots of couples find that time together becomes more precious and they have a deeper appreciation for each other and their life together.

You might decide that you want to do something significant for you as a couple – maybe to take that trip you’ve always talked about or celebrate your relationship in a way that’s important to you. Or it could just be getting on with things and having each other at your side.

Just remember to keep being open with each other and get support if you need it.